George Parker: English motherfucker, do you speak it?

Ah yes… The immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson in “Pulp Fiction.” Words I have often been tempted to use when dealing with various wankers at far too many BDA’s (Big Dumb Agencies) and BDC’s (Big Dumb Clients) over the course of my long and far too often agonizing career.

I once presented a campaign to the CEO of 3Com, a major networking thingummy company in Silicon Valley. He looked at it, stroked his chin, gently breathed out, then after a significant pause said, “I can resonate to that!” I was tempted to reply “Then why the fuck didn’t you just say you liked it?” Instead, I gently breathed out, stroked my chin and after a significant pause said, Thank you.”

Around the same time, I was driving up from San Jose to San Francisco when the traffic report from “Chopper Three” came on the radio (I was convinced there was no “Chopper Three,” just a recording of rotor blades in the background.) Ace traffic reporter Chuck McChuck informed us that there was an “Extra heavy vehicular loading situation on the Bay Bridge.” Meaning, lots of bloody traffic!

I must admit however that I too am guilty of having used the bastardization of the English language to my own advantage. Once, back in the eighties, when presenting a new campaign to the senior management of Applied Materials, the world’s largest manufacturer of multi-million dollar chip making machines, the CEO asked why there was so much copy. The engineer wankers at the table immediately leapt to the defense of including all the “speeds & feeds” beloved by the readers of “The Chip Makers Gazette.” The CEO stroked his chin, gently breathed out, then after a significant pause said, “Why don’t we bullet point the copy?”

Now, if there’s one thing that pisses me off more than a less than three Martini lunch, it’s bullet point copy. I immediately stroked my chin, gently breathed out, then after a significant pause said… “Interesting you should say that. There’s a recent report just out from the Institute of Cognitive Studies showing that bullet point copy is 76.23% harder to read than galley set copy.” The CEO stroked his chin, gently breathed out, then after a significant pause said, “I can resonate to that.”

Obviously, I had made the whole thing up. But the key to master class bullshiting is to be ultra precise. Don’t use “generally, often, usually, etc.” Use diamond hard and precise numbers. 68.45% of your audience will resonate to that.

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