Another week done and dusted, another huge sack of shredded paper heading off to the recycling bin, Snapfax fans.
Once again, we’ve been satisfying the voracious appetite of our fax machine fed from the internet, which is in turn attached to a somewhat savage shredder, to uncover this week’s favourite shreds across our fine country.
In fact, we’ve seen so many frantic dashes to the shredder, that there are friction burns on office carpets nationwide.
Talking of which, shagpile-haired Donald Trump makes a return to our chart at Number Five – or maybe we’ve rigged our stats too?
It’s not because he keeps saying that all polls and media are biased against him, or his misogyny, alleged sexual assaults, racism, etc.
No, this time, it’s because it seems he’s been fibbing about having a 2.8 handicap at golf. A cardinal sin, we’re sure you’ll agree.
We can also reveal fellow American Lindsay Lohan is straight into the Snapfax Shred charts at Number Four this week.
The Hollywood bad girl agreed to turn on Kettering’s Christmas lights as an apology after she posted an “offensive” tweet about the town on EU Referendum night back in June, saying: “Sorry, but Kettering where are you?”
However, the town’s council has not been able to reach her since, and the 24th November lights switch-on date is looming.
The Mean Girls star is now being implored by local MP Philip Hollobone to “get on a train to Kettering” and “fulfil her promise” to switch on the Northamptonshire town’s Yuletide display.
He added: “Everyone knows where Kettering is, it’s famous as the home of Weetabix.”
Come on Lindsay, do your festive duty and the shredding will stop as our Christmas gift to you – you might even get some free breakfast.
Crash-landing at Number Three is however Zac Goldsmith, who resigned as the Tory MP for Richmond Park this week in protest over the government’s decision to approve a third runway at Heathrow.
He’s now said he will stand in the by-election for his former seat as an independent – and is being backed by Ukip as a result. Cue his visage being shredded the length and breadth of Britain.
Michael Gove meanwhile hoved into view at Number Two this week after the somewhat shameless politician returned to public life after he was sacked by Theresa May in July, who told him to “go and learn about loyalty on the backbenches” after his treacherous treatment of fellow Brexiteer Boris Johnson.
With no small irony, the politico has been elected to an influential cross-party committee which will hold the government to account over its Brexit strategies (yet to be revealed). He also breezily dismissed his behaviour around the EU Ref as “water under the bridge.” Your shredded photo into the bin, more like.
And straight into our charts with the force of an unhinged elephant charging after a (currant) bun (wonder why we’re thinking of Donald Trump again?), The Sun newspaper is in at Number One.
The tabloid seems to be enraging everyone on social media – including JK Rowling – as the Gary Lineker child refugee row rumbles on.
The Harry Potter author Tweeted a screengrab of Sun columnist Kelvin McKenzie laying into Lineker over his view that a lot of coverage about child refugees was “hideously racist,” saying: “Kelvin MacKenzie, famous champion of the common man, wading into his second big story about the deaths of innocent people and football.”
Oof. That led to an awful lot of copies of The Sun in a tangled mass in the shredder bin. Still, that’s an awful lot of potential basilisk bedding, so not necessarily a bad thing. We’ll raise a Butterbeer to that…
