Throughout my long and somewhat checkered advertising career, thanks to well manipulated agency expense accounts, I’ve been able to drink at some of the world’s finest and most expensive bars. Yet, a little nearer to home, is one of the world’s truly great bars. It is the Sip-n-Dip Tiki Lounge at the O-Haire Motor Inn, in Great Falls, Montana. Yes, that is what I said… Fucking Great Falls, Montana: A town with a total population of just 56,690.
Yet, believe it or not, this Tiki emporium was named the number one bar on earth by GQ Magazine a few years ago. Seriously, I kid you not… This place is outrageous. So, here’s the scene. You park in the back of the O-Haire Motel and walk down a few steps into the bar, passing a sign that says “Welcome to Paradise.” As you enter, it’s as if you have walked into the movie “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” because there is definitely some kind of hallucinogenic time warp happening here.
Before you can take in the Ticki torches and velvet paintings lining the walls, you stop dead when you notice what is going on behind the bar..Because, right there, in fucking Great Falls, Montana, is the world’s biggest fish tank, and in it there are mermaids. Yes, real mermaids, i.e. good looking girls with fish tails swimming around and smiling and waving at you as you order a drink. Then you notice the ear drum penetrating noise of a giant Hammond organ in the middle of the room belting out such classics as: Just a Gigolo, King of the Road, There’ll be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight and Misty. All these classics are courtesy of “Pat the Piano Lady.” She of the giant bee-hive hair-do and the three pack a day smokes. I am told that Pat has been pounding the keyboards there since before Montana became a state.
A word of advice..If you ever get to the Sip-n-Dip, order a “Fish Bowl.” It’s a monster drink that comes in a glass the size of a bowling ball. It looks like it’s full of Windex and tastes like a Jamaican sugar plantation, and comes with lots of little umbrellas and curly drinking straws… And it’s fucking lethal.
I also have it on good authority that when Darryl Hannah was filming a movie near Great Falls, she ended up in the Sip-n-Dip after a days shooting. Somehow her mermaid costume from the movie Splash ended up there as well. Next thing you know, Darryl was in her mermaid outfit swimming around in the pool while the patrons of the bar drink their Fish-Bowls and Coronas, whooping and hollering as they enjoyed the show. Pat the Piano Lady, no doubt played a suitable accompaniment at a few thousand decibels.
So, if you are ever within a thousand miles of Great Falls, Montana, do yourself a favor and swing by the Sip-n-Dip. Then, like me, you’ll be able to tell stories about it for the rest of your life.
